June 26, 2025 The 12-Hour Walk: A Journey Into My Own Dualities
This week, I completed something called the 12-Hour Walk—an experience inspired by Colin O’Brady’s book of the same name. The idea is simple but profound: walk alone for twelve hours, without your phone, music, or any distractions. Just you, your thoughts, and the open path. There’s no goal other than presence. But if you know me, you know how tricky that is.
I told myself I had no expectations—but I quickly realized I did. The first of many awarenesses over the journey. I had a subconscious commitment to at least hit a marathon (26.2 miles). Despite no training or having any kind of plan. This led to my first reckoning with the inner polarities that surfaced throughout the day, and shape how I move through the world.
Intention vs. Competing Commitments
The book suggests setting an intention before the walk. I hadn’t. So I made one up on the spot—something about wanting to just focus on being present, and to work on obsessive thoughts and ruminations. These were “should’s” more than wants. And the walk immediately revealed a competing commitment: I wanted to achieve. I wanted to break some kind of PR for myself.
I realized that unless I have clearly stated goals, I may not be fully committed. As for this, I didn’t fully commit to just walk and see what happens, deep down there were other agendas. I spent several miles uncovering many other places in my life I have done that. I don’t often see these conflicts, and the first step in reckoning them was admitting they exist and they’re both valid. That’s the tension I live with.
Being vs. Doing
That was the second polarity I sat with. I’ve walked for 12 hours before, but always with people. This time, it was just me. No conversation, no distraction. And while the idea was to ‘be,’ I often found myself doing, getting antsy to achieve something—counting miles, calculating pace, chasing numbers.
Once I saw I was on a good pace, my competitor showed up. Loud and clear. Could I get to 30 miles? Maybe even beat my longest foot race—31 miles (50k)? Oh, and now I must hit at least 5000 feet of elevation gain… and as time moved on, can I hit 11,000 feet, and complete a marathon under 10 hours? And there it was: my gift and my curse. That drive. That internal push.
I judge my competitor a lot. Claiming that it’s not good for relationships, or for peace, or just being. But out there, in the quiet, I softened to it. I could see it clearly, without shame. It’s part of who I am. It pushed me. It got me to 32 miles. Yet, it also distracted me from the deeper intention of just being. Both are true. Both are me. Being and doing aren’t enemies. They just need to play nice and take turns. Speaking of play….
Plan vs. Play
Another polarity that revealed itself mid-walk. I love planning fun things—retreats, adventures, gatherings. But I often resist planning logistics. That showed up clearly when I left without mapping my route or double-checking my gear. I made mistakes—missed turns, forgotten water—but I also remembered how much I value spontaneity. There’s a kind of playfulness in letting the path unfold, even when it means backtracking. Again, the stroll uphill, and through memory lane surfaced many similar patterns through my life. It confirmed why FUN is one of my core values.
Control vs. Surrender (Structure vs. Flow, Certainty vs. Uncertainty)
This one surprised me. I have a story about being controlling—and during this walk, I started to see a fuller picture. Yes, I care deeply about outcomes. But I also let go more than I give myself credit for. Like in life, I changed plans on the fly. I adjusted to terrain and trail closures. I surrendered to uncertainty—and found it surprisingly freeing. And accepted that surrender does not necessarily mean submission, it means trust.
Big Fish Little Pond vs. Little Fish Big Pond
This has been a common theme I have recognized about myself lately. I like playing big in smaller arenas. I prefer facilitating small groups over being on a main stage. I enjoy gatherings where I know everyone. Yes, no longer the big parties or ‘general admissions’ venues. I like goals that are unique and challenging, and that are reachable for the amateur, but not going up against the professionals. I had a long ponder about the ponds I choose. I even wondered if I could have been a competitive athlete, but that would’ve sacrificed FUN by my youthful definition. Is the small pond my drive to feel successful? Is the big pond the fear of failure?
Powerless vs. Powerful
This one landed hard near the end of the walk. On the one hand, I am powerless. I can’t control people. I can’t control outcomes. I can’t even control my own thoughts sometimes. That’s the first step in the 12-step model for a reason—we are powerless.
And on the other hand… I am powerful. I am 59 years old and walked 32 miles out my front door with no training. I have built an amazing life, business, family, and community. I can do hard things. Holding both truths—powerless and powerful—was grounding. It made me feel more whole. More honest.
Ending in Gratitude
Once I realized I would likely hit my new goals, I settled back in to being. I was also riding the dopamine rushes and endorphin highs. I had more energy than I expected, and a deep sense of appreciation for my family and friends, for my resilience, and for the ways I’ve grown. I spent the last few miles running (sometimes literally) through lists of gratitudes. If you are reading this, you are likely on that list.
When I approached my Vail home at 12:00 hours, 32.20 miles, 5272 ft elevation gain, and lots of insights, Larry was there to greet and cheer me in. I didn’t need a finish line, but I couldn’t have been more grateful for that moment. Sometimes, all it takes to shift something deep inside of me is just walking out the door.
Epilogue: Integration- Containment vs. Sharing
During and after my journey, I wrestled with this duality. I embraced containment, which is my internal space for discovery that is sacred to just me. It is not influenced, judged or assessed by anyone but me. By choosing to share, I expose and open myself to the judgements, opinions, and perspectives of others. So, while this can take me out of my pure presence and connection with myself, it also builds connection to others and opens more possibilities to learn and grow from and through others. Another dilemma of opposition that requires balance.
So why did I choose to share this? I still hold much of this journey in my sacred container. And, true to my (Enneagram 7) type, I am driven by a desire for new experiences, playfulness, self-discovery, and the joy and desire to share that with others. And as a Coach, by reflecting openly on my inner polarities, I hope to inspire and offer insight into the complex motivations and tensions that shape the pursuit of both joy and personal growth. As everything else, it is not an either/or, it is a Yes, and….
